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Becoming A Catfish – Marty’s Internet Show

(ping pong ball bouncing) – Can’t find this fucking laptop anywhere. I’m trying to write a screenplay. It’s like, think Star Wars, but with kids. Little kids. And the brother kisses the
sister and really likes it. Could work as a porno too,
but with no kids of course. Benji’s– I want to spit down your urethra and slurp it all up the baby juice. Please senpai. Let me suck the farts
out of your brown hole? – Marty, why are you on my phone? – What the fuck? First of all, I ask the
questions around here, cocksniff! Second of all, who is Sven Dover? – It’s my gay Swedish
swim model boyfriend. – Sounds like a catfish to me. – You’re a catfish. – I’m not a catfish. Look, we’re gonna find out
what’s behind this, okay? Can I have a vape? – Yeah. – Carolina Reaper Sauce. (Marty screams) – That’s actually quite a nice flavour. (upbeat music) ♪ Marty has an Internet ♪ ♪ Marty has an Internet ♪ ♪ Marty has a Internet ♪ ♪ Marty has a Internet ♪ ♪ Marty has a Internet ♪ – Look, I got nothing against the gays. Some of the greatest people
in the business are gay. Neil Hatrick Paris, Ellen
DeGeneres, Michael Jackson. But when I found out my Benji was gay, I was really supportive of him, you know? I said, suck all the dick you want. Even in front of me if you really want to. You know, they’re still
not really accepted in this day and age. So I understand why he
went online to find love. Personally I would’ve used Grindr to get some of those hot bears. But you know, he went
to Twitter to find love. That’s where this catfish thing comes in. This is Sven Dover, he tells me he’s real, But I have a sneaking
intuition that he’s not. I’m gonna take after my
two dads, Nev and Max, and find out who this
Sven Dover really is. Okay, Benji, we’re here
today to investigate the man I know is catfishing you. Sven Dover. – Why do you have to
ruin everything in life? – What do you mean, ruin? – I’m happy for once and
you’re gonna try and ruin it. – No, look I’m trying to protect you from this man who’s embarrassing you on live national television. – We’re on a shitty shitty
shitty internet show that not even vegetables would watch. – Look. Let’s just investigate. Here look, we’re on his
profile and it says, 25, Swedish flag, sexy Swedish model. Gay flag, so fucking gay, Red heart, Benji’s my little slut. – I am. – And his last tweet was, I like it when we don’t use spit. Gay flag, hashtag dry,
hashtag sorta burns, hashtag creampie. – He’s rough. – But his fucking picture
is, that’s PewDiePie. That’s famous YouTuber, PewDiePie. – No, he just looks
like a twink PewDiePie. – That’s…he might look like PewDiePie, but look let’s go through these DMs, and we’ll do it in roleplay, okay? You play Benji. I’ll play Sven Dover, okay? What you doing, Big Boy? – Working on this piece
of shit script with Marty. It sucks a-hole. – Ooh baby, you know you turn me on when you mention that a-hole. – You like shit, do you? – Yah baby, I want to
shit all of your chest and make it rain with my cwummy-wummy. Call it a steak and cheese. – Now that’s a night out I can get behind. – You can get behind me anytime,
you hung son of a bitch. Actually, steak and cheese,
I’m actually quite familiar. Uncle Steve, remember his Thai boy? Back in that last trip to Thailand– I’m gonna prove to you
this guy’s not real. I’m gonna message him on
my own Twitter account, and see how it goes. – What, Gaylord_faggot12? – Hey Svennie boy! – Don’t call him that. – Hey Big Sven. What is up, my G? Now he’s not gonna be real. – He’s gonna answer so he is real. – No it doesn’t– He’s typing. Hey Marty, I’m a big fan
of your Internet show. Holy shit, he’s fucking with us. – He’s fucking with you. No one likes your shitty show. Everyone fucking hates it. – He’s definitely fake. He’s fucking– – They would’ve used
it to torture the Jews. – Hey Sven, thanks my G. What is your fave episode brother? He’s just gonna fucking
troll me right now. Cause he’s obviously fake. – No, he’s real. – He’s not real. – He’s real, cause he’s gonna troll you. – My favourite episode was
the one where Brad left. You are the only star of the show. And only you. Gay emoji gay emoji gay emoji – You better not be blushing over him. – I’m not. – [Benji] You got a small dick. – Hee hee hee, hee hee hee. – What the fuck’s going on here? I hear this giggling. – Nothing, I’m just hanging out. – Are you talking to Sven? – Okay maybe I am. He’s actually a really really nice guy. I think we could be really
close, I don’t know. – Fuck you, you always do this. You always take shit away from everyone. – No no, I’m just– – Especially people you
care about the most. – I’m just trying– – I hope you choke on Sven’s dirty pubes. – But I’m just– – Fuck you, Marty! – I’m sorry. – [Benji] Hope you suck hairy nuts! – Benji! I’ve hurt my baby boy, Benji. (sad piano music) – [DDP] With resistance, Come right into my favourite
move on the planet. The Diamond Cutter! Nothing electrifies your
spine more than this! Tuck your tailbone, protect your back, bring your arms out to the sign of a T. Fix your hips, I want to hear everybody. – Hulk it out! Benji! Yeah man, it’s been a while I know. Yeah, I’m sorry, I didn’t want
to stop you falling in love. I’m really sorry about that. Okay look, if you really
want to be with him, that’s okay. You’re gonna meet him? Okay, okay I’ll come with
you when you go see him. But you’re driving this
time, my car’s in the shop. Yes, I have a car. Yes, I do have a car. – I know you don’t believe this, but I believe I have a
strong connection with Sven. I’m gonna ask him to marry me. He’s gonna get his green card, and he’s gonna move over
here to live with me. We’ll be happy together. – Okay I might not agree with it, but Benji, I support you okay? – Thank you, I appreciate this. He’s over there now. – He’s over there now? Do you want me to come with you? – No, you should stay in the car. – Okay. – I feel you should stay in the car. – Okay. – Do not get out of the car. Never get out of the car. – Okay. – [Marty] What the fuck is? He’s real! He’s actually real. What the fuck, he’s actually– He’s fucking real. Is he calling? (car door opens) Let’s go. – Are you fucking retarded? – You’re Kieren, but you’re not Sven. – I knew I was getting catfished. We’ve been playing the whole time. Catfish you. – I don’t understand. Fuck, so you were catfishing,
you were catfishing him, but you knew about it. – To catfish you. – To get you to give us more screen time. – It’s only fair. – First of all, you’re the cameraman, you didn’t return my calls. You should do your fucking job, mate! – You didn’t ask us what we wanted. Especially with those fucking contracts. – You don’t care what any of us want. You’re so fucking selfish, Marty. Especially Ben, you treat him like shit. – I treat you well. – I’m not the new Brad. You treat me like dog shit. – I’m sorry that I treated you badly. And if you want more screen
time, I’ll give it to you. But on my terms, okay? – I can live with that. – And you, if you ever
do this to me again, I’m shooting that fucking dog of yours, and selling him to the
Asians next door, okay? – Whatever. – Jesus. – Look, can’t we all
just be friends again? – Sure
– Sure. – Bring it in? – I fucking hate you. I wish you were dead. – Why does everyone hate me? I don’t really understand. (upbeat music) – You have pictures of
my wiener, don’t you? – Yep. – We’re gonna sell them to the Asians. ♪ Get jiggy with it ♪ ♪ Come on, Brad ♪ (ping pong ball bounces)

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